Please know that I am writing to you from a scar and not from a fresh wound. I have wrestled enough from the pain you have caused me and I won’t be prolonging it in my heart anymore. It took me a while before I get to be completely healed. You know why? It was because I was imagining an ideal past in my mind where we get through life together with enough respect from each other and that I was still trying to convince myself that you were not that horrible as a person – only to be awakened by your fatal backstabbing that you deliberately positioned yourself to hit and destroy me at my core. This Christmas, I am offering all the harm you have inflicted on me to the Baby in the Manger. The pain you have caused me is a GIFT IN ITSELF because it awakened my Strongest Self that I never knew existed in the deepest recesses of my soul.
Because of the pain you have caused me, my journey into the woods of change and transformation is crucial and necessary to release the Miracle that lives within me. I was able to retrieve my soul. I was renewed. The adversity you have set up to harm me has actually done more good than you can possibly imagine. It has become the birthplace of my more radiant, happier and meaningful life – free from your prejudices and bigotry. Out of the fire of pain, I was reborn.
You see, I have never seen you as someone who could hurt and betray me. Looking back, I can recall how you hurt me. You. Enjoyed. Hurting. Me. Your eyes spoke nothing but savoring the moment while you were mocking me. You loved seeing me in pain. You were in such an unspeakable joy. While I was trying so hard to refocus myself on you and see at least what tinge of humanity has been left in your skin, I was taken aback – I saw no human being. I saw a monster devouring a person like me. You enjoyed magnifying every tiny loophole you can find in me. You projected yourself self-righteously because you are too scared to even admit your share of faults. My dear, in my silence back in those times when I was wringing from your torment, God sees everything. God knows everything. He counted every tear that has dropped in my eyes which has exhausted its efforts to see the remaining goodness in you. God converts the harm you intended to give me into His miracles and blessings for my life.
Mind you, I am not perfect. Perfection is a myth and a mask that people willingly put on so they can self-protect from rejection, criticisms and attacks from other people. I had my share of faults, too. I have trusted and counted too much on your goodness or on your “projected goodness”. I have willingly handed you a map on my way to my heart and you have known all the things I care in the world. You deviously managed to cause me pain where it counts. The most shocking part of it, you have no remorse – not even the slightest sprinkle of it, because you did it by choice not by accident. You haven’t felt any streak of regret for what you’ve done and you were joyous dragging people down as though it was your greatest victory. I have asked God for countless of times what kind of human you are and He just kept quiet, sat beside me and allowed me to figure everything out.
With so much gratitude in my heart, I am forgiving you for an apology I have never received and I have learned not to expect. You taught me so much life lessons that highly fast-tracked my growth and maturity than anyone could ever grasp early in this lifetime. I am forgiving you for repeating the injuries you have caused me over and over again – with any chance you can get. Now that I have created enough and healthy distance from you and your toxicity – you are no longer hurting me. By far, you are only hurting yourself the way you have hurt me and the other people you have festively dragged down.
Instead of anger, I have learned to feel pity on what you have become and I must see you with tender eyes of compassion. If I were to trade places with you, with the same circumstances that you were experiencing, I would not know if I would do the same thing as you did. It has been proven a lot of times that the person who has caused anyone pain is actually a person in pain. I just hope you get to confront your own pain – hold it in your hands, dissect where it is coming from, learn and grow from it – instead of inflicting pain to someone else just because you cannot stand your own pain. It seems that your pain is coming from your own self-discontent but I guess, you haven’t started your journey of getting curious about it. Instead, you wanted to shortcut everything by tossing your own pain to other people around you. Unfortunately, I was included in your list.
I am forgiving you because you made me realize there are 3 topnotch things that I won’t ever compromise again and these are my self-respect, self-worth and self-love. These are all under the big umbrella of SELF-CARE and self-care is not about self-indulgence nor being selfish. It is about loving yourself enough so you can love others with all that you have and NOT what has been left of you. You cannot serve and love people around you coming from an empty heart vessel – the one wherein your principles are based conveniently to gain approval from others and dependent on pleasing people to serve you materially or personally. I am no marionette. I deal with people wholeheartedly without any ulterior motives that will make me gain something in return. If ever I would meet people like you again in my journey, your memory in me will remind me a resounding warmth, stability and peace because now I became a lot wiser, braver and stronger to handle them.
Lastly, if we would meet again in the unknown time and place that the future holds, I would shake your hands and embrace you with warmth not just because of civility or “just-for-the-sake-of-being-polite-masquerade” but coming from a genuine heart that has experienced the bashing of your wounded soul – a genuine heart that has learned to love you and your brokenness (not the fabulous self-righteous mask you are fond of wearing all the time). I can see you WITHIN, clearly. Until then, I wish you well and I pray fervently that the Baby in the Manger will bring you LOVE as He continues to knock in your heart as He did in mine.
Love and peace,